if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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