She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
