I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
