hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
