I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
