I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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