Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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