Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
