What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
