Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
They took my balls.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
