I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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