seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I AM VODKA MAN
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
