Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
