I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
