you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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