don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
