I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
