You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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