i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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