I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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