I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
