Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
