I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
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