John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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