they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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