Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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