I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
