shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I need to calm my uterus...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
