The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
