He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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