Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
