We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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