sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
