i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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