i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
