alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
