I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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