i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
