Who wears a wallet chain?!
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
