either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
