I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
