she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I want to fling myself into the sun
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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