the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
