cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Randomize
