She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
