he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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