mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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