Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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