I just threw up on my dentist
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
