you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I just found puke in my bra..
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
