I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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