I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
