My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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