I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
