wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
