Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
