White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
