My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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