We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
