why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
