I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
